No, I haven’t seen a single show. But I still like to throw out my two cents based on show descriptions and casts. If you like fishes out of water, mismatched roommates, animated children, or shows based in the 1960s, this season is for you! (FYI I’m limiting my analysis to the five broadcast nets, just for simplicity.)
So, here we go!
Allen Gregory (FOX) – You can certainly forgive Fox for sticking to the Sunday night animation theme, with this story of a kid in grade school. At least looks like it took more than thirty seconds to draw.
Once Upon a Time (ABC) – Okay, fairy tale characters are real, but they’re in our world, and have forgotten who they are? Sounds like an extremely mediocre idea for a movie, and a terrible idea for a TV show.
Pan Am (ABC) – This period piece about flight attendants in the 1960s could be a total snore, or a great big hoot. With Christina Ricci on the show, I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt.
2 Broke Girls (CBS) – Alice 2.0. Can’t imagine it’s better.
The Playboy Club (NBC) – It’s Monday night, you’re waiting patiently for next week’s episode of Pan Am, and you need a 60s fix. What do you do? You watch this show about the Playboy Club. And then wait patiently for Pan Am again.
Terra Nova (FOX) – If this isn’t your Must Watch Show of the new season, either you haven’t heard about it, or you don’t like fun. Time travel, dinosaurs, and Stephen Lang! Unfortunately, I assume everyone in our country (and most of Eastern Europe as well) will have to watch for the ratings to be good enough to pay for the effects.
Hart of Dixie (CW) – One of the (remarkably) few cutesy titles this season, this show about a big city doc moving to a small town sounds like Doc Hollywood without the funny. Pass.
Unforgettable (CBS) – A police procedural about a psychologically damaged individual? (She has total recall.) At least this time it’s a woman. But still… snore.
New Girl (FOX) – I don’t know if Zooey Deschanel has the personality to carry a TV show. (Movie acting is generally much subtler.) But having her headline a My Boys/Three’s Company ripoff has some potential, at least.
Last Man Standing (ABC) – Wasn’t a big fan of Tim Allen’s first family sitcom about a male dominated household. Don’t think I’ll care about seeing him in a female dominated one either.
Man Up (ABC) – According to what I read about this show, it’s “a look into what it takes for a man to survive in today’s crazy world.” That description is enough for me to never watch this show.
Ringer (CW) – This one has a pretty amazing cast (Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ioan Gruffudd, Nestor Carbonell). After the main character assumes her twin’s identity, I’ll be counting the episodes until the twin resurfaces to cause trouble. If she doesn’t, I may bag out.
Up All Night (NBC) – A sitcom about how hard (and funny!) it is to raise a baby? I might save the TiVo space and just look in the mirror. (She’s due December 3!)
Free Agents (NBC) – NBC’s trying to recapture the British-transplant magic of The Office with this PR sitcom. That is a large amount of lighting to stuff into a very small bottle. I’m not hopeful.
The X Factor (FOX) – I don’t get it. I never understood the appeal of American Idol, and I’m sure this will be just as meme-defining… and I still won’t get it.
I Hate My Teenage Daughter (FOX) – Is a twisted up TV version of the blink-and-you-missed it movie You Again really necessary? Mom, get over it. Your daughter is a bitch. Move on.
Suburgatory (ABC) – A New York teen has to move to the burbs? Horrors! However, I may watch just to see Alan Tudyk on a sitcom.
Revenge (ABC) – I wonder how long this Hampton based revenge tale will take before it settles (boringly) into regular teen-soap territory? I might watch it until then, though.
H8R (CW) – Dear God in Heaven, I will not watch this show about reality stars trying to convince those who (rightly) hate them that they’re really okay folks.
How to Be a Gentlemen (CBS) – It’s Laverne and Shirley! I mean, it’s Perfect Strangers! I mean, it’s The Odd Couple! I mean, it’s cancelled within five episodes!
Person of Interest (CBS) – Here are four names for you: J.J. Abrams, Jonathan Nolan, Michael Emerson, Jim Caviezel. If you know who any of them are, you probably want to watch this show. I just hope the Complacent Broadcasting System lets this mysterious detective show be awesome.
Whitney (NBC) – Are we still making sitcoms starring standup comedians? Is Whitney Cummings even funny? How many rhetorical questions can I squeeze into less than thirty words?
Prime Suspect (NBC) – I want to like this one, so please, please let this show about a hard-charging female detective in a male dominated precinct be more interesting than The Closer. Please!
Charlie’s Angels (ABC) – You never know. I wasn’t hopeful for Hawaii 5-0, but it turned out to be mindless fun. Maybe this will be, too.
The Secret Circle (CW) – How wonderful. Charmed 2.0. Blurgh.
A Gifted Man (CBS) – Ghost Whisperer, M.D.? No thanks.
Grimm (NBC) – Fairy tale creatures hunted down in a dark procedural. This one could be fantastic. Or fantastically bad.
The 2-2 (CBS) – Rookies in the NYPD. Don’t know if I’ve ever seen that done well. Not sure this will be different.
Alcatraz (FOX) – J.J. Abrams, Jorge Garcia, Sam Neill, and mysterious goings on at an abandoned prison. Cancel anything you like (other than Terra Nova) and get me this show immediately.
Apartment 23 (NBC) – It’s The Odd Couple! With women! And James Van Der Beek!
Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea (NBC) – Because TV versions of humorist’s books are always big winners.
Awake (NBC) – Alternate reality (or is it dreams) as a man deals with the death of his wife or son. Cancel anything else you want (other than Pan Am) and get me this show after you get me Alcatraz.
Bent (NBC) – A single mom is attracted to her contractor. Oh, wow, it’s 1987 all over again.
Best Friends Forever (NBC) – A couple takes in a trying BFF. I think more than the BFF will be trying.
The Finder (FOX) – I like the idea of a guy whose job it is to find people. I don’t like the idea that it’s a spin-off of the entirely forgettable Bones.
The Firm (NBC) – Really liked the movie. This isn’t a reboot, it’s a sequel, ten years after the movie took place. Interesting…
Good Christian Belles (ABC) – Desperate Housewives style set-up, southern belle setting, Russell ignores completely.
Napoleon Dynamite (FOX) – No. No no no. NO!
Re-Modeled (CW) – A reality show about creating a modeling agency. They should have named it Re-Useless.
The River (ABC) – A family searching for their missing father on the Amazon. Could be awesome. With Bruce Greenwood, probably will be.
Scandal (ABC) – A show about a crisis management consultant. Sounds pretty gr… What? Created by Shonda “Grey’s Anatomy” Rhimes? Oh. Never mind.
Smash (NBC) – A show about the creation of a Broadway show about Marilyn Monroe. The key point? It’s NOT a reality show. Thank goodness. I might just watch it.
Work It (ABC) – It’s Busom Buddies without Tom Hanks. Yeah, I thought it sounded terrible, too.