2013 Movies Pre-review

I know 2012 isn’t over, and there are plenty of big films left that I want to see, but, still, assuming that we aren’t destroyed by (a) the fiscal cliff, (b) global warming, or (c) the Mayan catastrophy, I thought I’d troll through the releases scheduled for next year and jot down a note or two:

January

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters — The premise is awesome, as is Jeremy Renner. I can’t say I’m as excited about Gemma Arterton, but anything with Peter Stormare is at least worth a look.

February

A Good Day to Die Hard — They make a Die Hard movie, my butt is in the theater. That’s all there is to it. And since number 4 was a major improvement over number 3, my hopes are reasonably high.

March

Jack the Giant Killer — How many times has this one been delayed? I like Singer, and I love the trailer, but I’m also very wary.

Oz The Great and Powerful — It takes some stones to make a prequel to The Wizard of Oz. But Sam Raimi knows how to stage a fantastical film, Franco looks great as the lead, and the collection of actresses they’ve hired to play the witches looks awesome. (Mila Kunis, Michelle Williams, Rachel Weisz)

G.I. Joe: Retaliation — Adding Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis to the mix probably isn’t going to make this much better than the original, and the production delays don’t bode well either.

April

Olympus Has Fallen — The White House is taken over by terrorists! Wait, is it 1991 again?

Evil Dead — Never saw the original. Probably won’t see this one.

Scary Movie 5 — Next!

Pain and Gain — Michael Bay directing an action comedy with Mark Wahlberg. Okay, that has some promise…

May

Iron Man 3 — I am not familiar with this Man of Iron. Must be a foreign film of some type.

Star Trek Into Darkness — Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!!! Can’t wait!

Fast & Furious 6 — Okay, I’ll probably see it, but I’m not jonesing or anything.

June

Man of Steel — I haven’t seen a Zack Snyder film I didn’t like. I’m not sure if he has the gravitas to pull off Superman, but it’s going to be a fun ride watching him try.

The End of the World — May be the most awesome premise for a movie in the last ten years. Can’t wait.

Monsters University — Oh, Pixar, you used to be exciting and awesome. Now you just tire me.

World War Z — Let’s face facts. This won’t be as great as the novel. But if it manages to get the Battle of Yonkers right, that’s reason enough to see it.

White House Down — The White House is taken over by terrorists! It is 1991!

Kick-Ass 2 — Can’t… frickin… wait!

July

The Lone Ranger — Verbinski is a great director of action sequences, and I thought Arnie Hammer was pretty awesome in The Social Network. Don’t know about this Depp guy who’s playing Tonto. I heard he used to be on TV?

Pacific Rim — As a director, del Toro is hit-and-miss, but this one seems more of a blockbustery hit (like Hellboy) and less a meditative miss (like Pan’s Labyrinth).

The Wolverine — As long as Hugh Jackman wants to play this character, I’ll watch the movies. Even the first Wolverine solo movie, though imperfect, was fun.

August

Elysium — Don’t know anything about it except it’s directed by Neill Blomkamp (District 9) and stars Matt Damon, Jodie Foster and William “I am always awesome” Fichtner. So, I’m there.

Percy Jackson and the Olympians: Sea of Monsters — Really? And by that I mean… really?

October

Sin City 2: A Dame to Die For — Please don’t suck, please don’t suck, please don’t suck.

November

Ender’s Game — I thought the book was mildly diverting. The sequel was WAY better. I hope they can put some meat on the bare-bones story to make it cinematic.

Thor: The Dark World — The first Thor movie was good, not great. The Avengers was all kinds of awesome. I expect this will be somewhere in between.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire — The first one was good. The story–at least what I know about it–for the second one is much more interesting. I’m hopeful.

December

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug — I don’t know how they can make The Hobbit into three movies. But if anyone can make it work, it’s Jackson and company.

Jack Ryan — I was one of the people who (a) hated Clear and Present Danger, and (b) loved The Sum of All Fears. So don’t listen to me. But I think this reboot could be good! Maybe we should just always hire Chris Pine to reboot movie series from now on.

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