Breaking Dawn Part 2

bdp2Well, I’ve done it. I’m not ashamed to say that I saw all five Twilight films in the theater. I would be ashamed to say that I liked them. Which I didn’t. Eclipse managed to elevate the series to “okay” territory, but it was downhill from there, to Breaking Dawn Part 1, a huge waste of my time and money.

So, in all fairness, Part 2 isn’t quite as execrable. Now, there’s no saving this film series from bad acting (Taylor Lautner), schmaltzy romance (Kristenson, Robewart, whatever) and super-pointless digressions that only super-fans of the books care about (I’m looking at you, “relationship” between Garrett and Kate). But at the very least the producers could have resisted the urge to split what could easily have been a single movie into two. The first hour and a half of Part 2 was begging for a trim. (It’s called a montage. Look into it.)

What did work, you ask? Billy Burke remains the best thing about these films. I want there to be a spin off film called Charlie Swan: FPD. He’s awesome. Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning were great. (I never thought I would enjoy seeing Dakota Fanning get decapitated so much. She was evil.) The final fight was more interesting and more brutal than I expected. I won’t give away the twist, but it made perfect sense. They even found a way to make this whole “The Volturi are going to kill us because of a fricking misunderstanding” work. So, kudos.

Which is all too bad. If not for the teenage girl fantasy plot line, the world that Stephenie Meyer created is pretty interesting. I love the idea of these far flung, culturally distinct tribes of vampires in a loose confederacy. I like the moral ambiguity: some eschew eating humans, some don’t. I can even get behind vampires that literally have to be torn to pieces to die. But that’s all just the backdrop to the snoozerama story of Edward and Bella.

Also, one last note. CG baby Renesmee? Super-creepy.

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