2014 Movie Pre-Review

Let’s face it. We’re all really just waiting for 2015: The Avengers: Age of Ultron, Star Wars VII, Fast and Furious 7, Tomorrowland, Jurassic World, Batman vs. Superman, Ant-Man, Terminator: Genesis, the new James Bond, Mission Impossible 5, and for some of you, 50 Shades of Grey. And that’s just the ones I know will be hugely buzzy. But, to get there, we have to navigate 2014. So, what do we have to look forward to this year?

January

I, Frankenstein — I haven’t seen a big budget flick with this bad a trailer in a long time. Looks unbelievably bad.

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit — Can’t wait. Kenneth Branagh is a great director, and that he’s also acting in the film is merely gravy. I just hope Chris Pine can be what Jack Ryan is supposed to be: smarter than he is tough.

February

Pompeii — Oh, Paul Anderson, you are inconsistent. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt when it’s a volcano movie. I loves me a nice splody volcano movie.

Robocop — If you’re going to remake a classic, you need to do something at least mildly interesting. And if your film is mildly interesting, you really need to put some of that interesting stuff into the trailer. Just saying.

The LEGO Movie — Looks hilarious.

The Monuments Men — Looks like Oscar bait that got shoved into February. Shame. Still, I want to see it.

March

300: Rise of an Empire — One of the few cash-grab sequels that actually makes sense. The story in the original was just a prelude to a much larger war. Bring on the mayhem!

Divergent — I know I’m supposed to be excited. I’m so really very not. Sorry, Shailene.

Noah — If the film lives up to that trailer, I’m going to love it.

The Grand Budapest Hotel — I’m generally a fan of Wes Anderson’s stuff, and this stylized, fin-de-siecle coming of age story is right in my wheelhouse. Looking forward.

Veronica Mars — [snort, sniff] What? What happened? I must have fallen asleep. Sorry.

April

Captain America: The Winter Soldier — Best film of the year? Looks like it to me.

Transcendence — I’m kind of iffy on this one. Interesting premise, but can they really make it work?

May

Godzilla — I didn’t absolutely hate Emmerich’s version. That said, bring on the gritty reimagining. I’m all for it.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 — If this is as good a sequel to the first ASM as Raimi’s second film was to his first, it’ll be extremely awesome. But, man, that’s a tough high-wire act. Good luck.

X-Men: Days of Future Past — Oh. Wait. This might be the best film of the year. Please don’t drop the ball, Bryan Singer.

June

Edge of Tomorrow — Please be more interesting than Oblivion. (Though, with Emily Blunt instead of Olgy Kurylenko, that’s not going to be hard.)

Transformers: Age of Extinction — I have a soft spot for the Shia Transformers films (even though that second one really blew). But if you’re going to try to make this work with Mark Wahlberg, may I suggest less silly and more awesome. That is all.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes — The trick is to make this engaging while still allowing the apes to win. Rise pulled that off. I hope this carries on the tradition.

Hercules — I dare the trailer to make me want to see this. Right now, I my interest is zero.

Jupiter Ascending — Have the Wachowskis made a non-sequel that wasn’t awesome? No. No they haven’t. Keep it up!

August

Guardians of the Galaxy — Love the cast, love the premise. Let’s get this Marvelverse out there into the cosmos and doing crazy stuff.

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For — I feel like I’ve talked about this film before. Oh, yeah. Delays. Hopefully they delayed to remove bad things and add awesome things.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles — I really liked the 1990 film. Prove to me that a reboot is worth it, and I’m there.

The Expendables 3 — The cast seems to get bigger at the same rate the story gets less interesting. Maybe by the fifth film, it’ll just be every action star in Hollywood in one big fight scene for 90 minutes.

The Giver — I guess someone realized that spare, stylized sci-fi for teens can be a good movie after Ender’s Game came out. Good luck with this one, since, you know, less space battles.

September

Looks like a rough month, unless you’re really into cannibalism.

October

Gone Girl — There is one reason I care about this movie, and it rhymes with Blavid Grincher.

November

Child 44 — Awesome cast performing an adaptation of an awesome book. This should have more buzz than it does.

Dumb and Dumber To — I’m actually interested, if only to see these guys in their 50s act like children.

Horrible Bosses 2 — If it’s half as funny as the first one, I’m in.

Interstellar — Christopher Nolan in space. This will not suck.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 — My hopes for continuing increases in quality fight with my annoyance at the (probably) unnecessary splitting into multiple movies. (Was unnecessary in Harry Potter, was deadly in Twilight, and is continuing to be problematic for The Hobbit.)

December

Exodus — Christian Bale, Ridley Scott, Moses. I accept your invitation.

Into the Woods — I know very little about this musical, but Sondheim doesn’t disappoint. So, I’m in.

Night at the Museum 3 — Number 2 was a dip in quality, but still quite enjoyable. If there’s a reason for the third one, I’ll be happy to give them 110 minutes of my time.

Paddington — I have in my head the kind of down-to-earth, emotional picture this should be. If it’s more like The Smurfs (or, God help us, Ted), then I’ll be extremely disappointed.

The Hobbit: There and Back Again — The Battle of Five Armies. And that’s all I have to say about that.

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