2015 Movie Pre-Review

Oh, this is a big year for movies. Let’s get right to the baseless assumptioning.

(I apologize for the lateness of this post. But, since I haven’t seen hardly anything, my assumptions are no less baseless than they would have been in December.)

January

Mortdecai, Paddington, Strange Magic, Taken 3, and everything else scheduled for this ridiculous month? Snore.

February

Fifty Shades of Grey — I have to admit I’m intrigued. It’s basically a big-budget, Hollywood adaptation of mommy porn. That’s pretty much new ground for cinema. But, make no mistake. It’s gonna suck. (No pun intended.)

Jupiter Ascending — Delays notwithstanding, it’s a non-sequel by the Wachowskis. They’re batting 1000 in that category. I’m so there.

Kingsman: The Secret Service — I do like Matthew Vaughn’s work. And Colin Firth and Mark Strong are awesome. (Actually, I have seen this one. Review forthcoming.)

March

ChappieDistrict 9 was great. Elysium was a giant waste of time. This looks more like Elysium.

The Divergent Series: Insurgent — Didn’t see the first one. Won’t see any of the rest.

April

Child 44 — Awesome cast in an adaptation of an awesome book. Can’t wait.

Furious 7 — I predict this will be the high point of the series. It will rule, and it will be downhill from here.

May

Avengers: Age of Ultron — This will be the biggest film of the year. (Sorry, JJ.) And it will not quite be as good as the first one. Still good, though.

Mad Max: Fury Road — I tried to watch Mad Max back in the day, and couldn’t even get past the first five minutes. Here’s hoping this one isn’t boring. (Previews indicate it won’t be.)

San Andreas — I like disaster movies. They should make more of them. Should they put Paul Giamatti and Dwayne Johnson in them? Yes. Yes, they should.

Tomorrowland — I’m very excited. An elegant and understated teaser and Brad Bird in the director’s chair put my butt in the seat.

June

Entourage — I never saw the show, but the trailer makes this look like a lot of self-effacing fun. (And the South Park movie proves that I can like movie versions of TV shows I don’t.)

Inside Out — First Pixar film I’ve cared about in forever. Looks amazing.

Jurassic World — I’ve got a very zen feeling about this film. I know it won’t be a Spielbergian masterpiece. But there will be people running away from dinosaurs, and that’s awesome. Also, this will be the moment when we learn if Chris Pratt as movie star is a flash in the pan or the real deal.

July

Ant-Man — This is the first time I’m really worried that Marvel is about to stumble. (I wasn’t worried about Guardians.) That doesn’t mean I don’t hope for awesome.

Mission: Impossible 5 — Really? This is only a few months away? Awesome! I liked McQuarrie’s Jack Reacher, and I’m hoping this one is another truly original installment in a series that’s all about new styles from different directors.

Pan — I guess this is kind of interesting… maybe?

Pixels — The thirteen-year-old video game geek inside me thinks this may be the most awesome film ever. (Since no one will ever be able to make Ready Player One into a movie…)

Terminator: Genisys — Kind of like the Jurassic sequel, there’s so much nostalgia in this series, I enjoy them even when they kind of suck. (I’m looking at you, McG.) This looks to be Terminator 3 level of quality, which is fine with me.

August

Fantastic Four — Giving Trank this franchise is both a smart choice and a gamble. Though I’m ready to say if he fails, this comic might be pretty much unfilmable.

The Man from U. N. C. L. E. — Did I drop into a time vortex and land in the mid-90s? I thought all the 60’s shows had already been made into movies. (I mean, except for Gilligan’s Island, which needs a big screen update immediately.)

September

The Maze Runner: Scorch Trials — Can I be forgiven for being burned out on post-apocalyptic teen novel adaptations? Even when they get good reviews and maybe were good movies? I don’t care about this franchise.

October

Crimson Peak — I’m sure this Del Toro film is a passion project… which means I’ll probably think it kind of blows.

London Has Fallen — Frick. Olympus Has Fallen was so very much worse than White House Down. And it’s the one that gets a sequel. It’s VHS vs. Betamax all over again!

St. James Place — They should have just left this titled Untitled Cold War Thriller. With Spielberg and Tom Hanks, they don’t need a title.

November

Spectre — After the awesome that was Skyfall, there’s simply no way this can live up to expectations. But I do anticipate it will be excellent nontheless.

The Hateful Eight — Putting Tarantino’s amazing dialogue and crazy action in a confined space might just generate some of the magic of the old days. I’m looking forward.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 — Thanks, Lord of the Rings, for making it okay to have stupid-long titles. That said, every film of this series isn’t just a little better, it’s a lot better. I expect great things.

The Martian — Damon following up Interstellar with this one is a bold choice. But I think it will be well worth the cognitive dissonance.

The Peanuts Movie — The trailers make this look like exactly the kind of film I want it to be. Here’s hoping.

December

Alvin and the Chipmunks 4: Road Chip — I have no opinion. I just wanted everyone to know this series continues.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens — Of all the Star Wars films to date, this one has both the best (a) director and (b) title. Will it be the best Star Wars film? Unlikely. But it’ll be pretty.

 

 

 

 

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